Why judging is good

Also, please know that I even though I wrote this blog post, I judge people sometimes, harshly pretty often. My goal each day is to notice when I do it, and then make the conscious shift to being curious. Thanks for your comment! I admit I am horribly judgmental.

I grew up in a very unstable environment and I grew up not trusting anyone not even my immediate family. I have a tendency to try to peg people so that I feel like I already know what I am getting into when dealing with them.

If that makes sense. Carrie-Lee, I completely understand! I agree with you that to be totally non judgemental ever is basically impossible. But I strive each day to not judge myself and others harshly. I think that once you consciously strive to demonstrate kindness and unconditional self love it makes it that much easier to show kindness and unconditional love to others. I used to be the queen of judging others, until I found myself on the receiving end of that.

Now, I try to catch myself and pull back. And I ask myself sometimes, what would make another person behave as they do and I try very hard to do that without judging them for the behavior. Thanks for sharing and helping make the world better… one blog post at a time! Sometimes it takes being on the receiving end of harsh judgment to make us realize that we would never want to purposely inflict that type of pain on anyone else. Thanks for the kind words about the blog, my friend!

But like you, instead of condemning them or judging them, I have tried hard to seek to understand why they are so mean. And if that is not possible, I make up a story in my head that keeps me from judging… perhaps they were abused; perhaps someone they love just passed away; or maybe they just got fired. Whether or not these stories are true is not relevant. It simply allows me to move on and let go my objection to their behavior! Hi Kathy, I am very similar to you.

The people who cause me the most stress are mean people. Thankfully, in these situations, I am able to walk away and keep my judgements to myself. At least that is a step in the right direction. Like I said to Kathy, that is also my weakness.

And if I fail, then I do what you said and walk away and keep my judgments to myself. At least that allows me to stay peaceful and sane :. Hi Shola, I am 35yrs old. I grew up with 4 older siblings. Today I struggle with my feelings of past judgements that I experienced growing up. I often remember moments from my past and to me, now as an adult I feel like I was often misjudged back then, like the judgement was unjust.

Although I was and am very aware that judging others based on what I see or hear without knowing why a person does or says what they do, is not nice and i guess wrong of me. I was actually less judgemental as a teen to young adult.

Which makes me sad about who I may become and that the person I worked hard to be better has changed or forgotten her why. Sometimes i think a person can be perceived as mean when they are not trying to be mean. But u cannot change the way others may interpret you. Anyway my point is in reference to your curiosity of how must they have raised to think that its socially acceptable behaviour.

And my thoughts are maybe they were raised to think that behaviour is acceptable because of the ppl who raised them treated them that way. That person may be working on ridding themselves of those unhealthy ingrained beliefs and are struggling that day to because it is very difficult to change the way you see, act, react to things when its all that person has known from day dot.

Thankyou for your lessons, they act as a reminder that being kinder and trying to make a change in and for ourselves and others lives for the better is what we fight for everyday. Kathy, I have to admit that these days, mean and rude people are my weakness when it comes to judgment.

I hope that you had a great Labor Day! It never works. I have friends who call me judgmental for that. What I do have control over is myself, how behave, and how I choose to spend my time. That is so true, Maria! There is a very fine line between using good judgment and being judgmental. Good for you for not wasting your time trying to gain acceptance from the mean girls at the gym! Spelling might be a bit off. PS Loved the retreat. Je parle francais, aussi!

That is such a great quote and it is SO true. We all have a judgmental streak, and the key is to become aware of it, and ideally ask what is the real issue behind the judgment.

Yes, there is definitely a culture of women tearing down other women, and the best way to combat against it is to not participate in it which can be hard to resist, at times. Also, thanks for the kind words about the retreat! Well said, Shola! People can be cruel, mean, and downright rude. They will do anything they can do to make themselves out to be better than someone else. I had two aunts get into an altercation recently because of this.

One did the Ice Bucket Challenge, and the other thought her cause was more worth fighting for. It started out as judgment for this, and then ended up spilling into judgment for every other aspect of life. The worst part is all of the dirty laundry was aired on Facebook. Every time you point your finger at someone else, there are three more pointing back at you. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean. Facebook can be such an ugly place for judgment, and I see it there all the time.

Hi Shola, I love your positivity and the insight you bring to the table. I often wonder if it is a deep down mechanisim that provokes these nasty people to be that insecure to try and i emphasize TRY to use emotions as a steam to get other people to follow their meanness. When I see someone being mean and hateful to someone or directly to me. It definitely is a turn off.

I simply walk away. No need to be around negative auroas. Keep holding your head high what you are doing is a good thing. Enjoyed this read. In all honesty I was looking for info on how to deal with judgemental people. But when I started reading this it made me reflect on my self. I really try not to be judgmental but I catch myself doing some of the things on here. I also catch myself being curious to why people act the way they do.

Am I wrong to want to limit my interaction with these self loved and judgmental people? Thank you for your sharing this info on judging others. I have been guilty of this quite often. As I get older it seems to get worse because I think I know everything haha. I live in an affluent neighborhood where most of the people are quite fit, dress nicely and have expensive houses and cars.

It can be easy to get caught up in that trap along with everyone. The folks that I am surrounded by are also extremely competitive. This is passed down to their children and it can be a very sad situation. Sporting events out here have become almost comical. Anyway, thanks for your wise words and I really appreciate your example of the lady in the gym.

I will try to remember that the next time I try to judge someone. What a helpful blog entry. Thank you. I have sensed insecurity in myself in the form of judging and went looking for a blog that might address it. The part about being curious was so helpful. It seems like it would allow empathy to maybe take the place of the judgement. So I will be forgiven. What if it was information? This actually really transformed for me when I started to see it that way.

So, the person that really helped me with this is actually, initially was my wife. So I remember she taught workshops in this community here in Portland, Oregon and they were called Salsero workshops, they were about authenticity and honesty and taught people how to really communicate and connect with others. And I remember I was connecting more with the community, going to these workshops, I started to become an assistant at these workshops. I won, I won, Take that life but she was teaching these workshops, I was showing up more and more.

Like who? Who bothers you? So I picked a particular person. But I just had to sit. In fact, the judgment is giving you information.

So what information was that judgment giving me about this woman, Barbara? What information is it giving me? So, what information is it giving me about her?

Well, it could be all kinds of things. Maybe she is reluctant to be vulnerable and so she kind of shields herself. It also reveals something about me. What does it reveal about me?

Stop that. No, what it reveals about me is that I value being real, being authentic, being direct, being honest. And when I coach people one on one, and really people find that out quick. So the question I have for you is how can you use judgments as information. What information can they give you?

How can you give yourself more permission to actually just have the judgmental thought and then not turn away from it but actually go into it.

Is it telling you something? Are you done talking to that person? Or is their story boring you? Maybe you are picking up on something subtle that they do that is off-putting to others. So for example, I remember there was this one person that I know who was dating a friend. Can we just go out to dinner with her? Do we have to go out with both of them? I would have judged the hell out of myself for it, force myself to have dinner with them, not really enjoyed it, and then beat myself up afterwards for not enjoying it.

Is that something that you can relate to do? This is like, let that go, pay attention to the judgment. So what I did is I got curious and said what is it? You cannot possibly erase your perception of a certain thing, situation or a being. That is what makes you who you are. Your judgement is important — not to the other person, not to the world, but to you.

And, here we come to the most important thought. Be judgemental, but also be open-minded. Judge all you want, but be willing to let go of those judgements and form new ones when the time comes. This process of judging, un-judging and then judging people the right way will make you a good judge of people.

And that is an asset you should be proud of. Judging makes us wise. Shop Read. Signup with us to unlock all features!